Joys of a new child!

Here is an old email that is much funnier now. It was sent to a caseworker in regard to our last adoption placement, after he had been home about two weeks.

Hi Lisa!

Just wanted to update/document some happenings since we spoke on the phone the other day. :-)

A few hours after I finished updating you on D's successes, the 'honeymoon' ended. That afternoon, he choked 6yo B (clenched his hands around her throat for about 5-10 seconds & then let go), & was throwing ice cubes at her, leaving red marks. He has also pushed two children off of the trampoline while jumping, & held his hands over B's mouth & nose so she couldn't breathe. He has also thrown other things at her, leaving marks. Today she accused him of farting (yes, of all things :-)) and he responded by grabbing her and shoving her into a bookcase and calling her a few choice 'big, bad, ugly' words.

We have responded by not allowing him to be around the other children for periods of time and letting him know we need to have everyone be safe, including him. We have offered other ways of responding (coming to get an adult) when he's feeling upset/picked on. He has lost privileges, such as game cube or playing outside. There was one time when I got mad & raised my voice at him. I told him that even if he was making bad choices, he wasn't leaving. He was staying here & dealing with the negative consequences & it could be a long miserable time living here or it could be a great time living here. He needed to make a choice of how he wanted to get along with
his brothers & sisters, but we were his family & he's stuck with us. :-)

He also keeps getting into the other boys' bed and crying that he doesn't want to sleep alone. We tell him that he has his own bed & needs to sleep there at night, but we will often find him back in the other bed later. The boys feel badly for him being sad & often let him sleep at the other end of their bed. Tonight they were playing & D got kicked in the face. He responded by biting C (9yo) on the hand & leaving purple teeth marks. C yelled & tried to push him off & D threw a few punches at C's head to make him be quiet.

My first thought is to blame it on the lack of the Ritalin, but it started before his prescription ran out. I am feeling that it is more due to finally settling in & realizing that he is stuck with us (sigh :-)) and he may feel his bio ties being severed, or other issues he has not fully processed yet. For what it's worth, he has never hurt the kids in front of an adult, only when adults are not watching. We have tried to keep him within visual range, but especially while he is playing, this is a challenge.

Tonight, I also mentioned to him that Lisa would need to know about these issues & I'm sure that there would be concern about him being in our home where he could put other children in danger, but we were committed to having him here & we would just keep working until we got the behaviors resolved, but we hoped that he would work on making changes.

He has packed his bags two times when he was mad & then I have helped put things away when he was ready. He also said, a few times, that it sucked living here & he wished he hadn't picked us, so. :-) I just wanted to let you know before you came up on Saturday & he said he was ready to leave. Or maybe he'll be fine by then! :-)

See you on Saturday!

Maynes family

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My Mare Bear

Mid-April 2008 – Maryn came home the other night & was just in heaven going on & on about a cute boy. This is the same boy I had suggested she ‘check out’. We moved to the area in December & began attending homeschool activities in our new area. I was introduced to a mom, Cindee Roberts. She was surprised to meet me since I had more children than she did. I’m sure she was impressed I was so young to have twelve kids. OK, maybe the mutual friend had remembered incorrectly, but I was only at seven kids while Cindee had 11 kids. We talked for a while & she told me about the many groups she was hosting; astronomy, Liberty Girls, creative writing, math games, Knights of Freedom, etc. I quickly signed up the kids for a few classes. She lived very close to our house & is in the same stake. When I dropped off & picked up kids, I noticed a cute boy. I started a conversation with ‘said cute boy’ and mentioned I had a daughter about his age & suggested that they might attend some of the same singles activities together.

Nothing happened until mid-March when I received a phone call from Cindee, asking what my daughter’s name was. I told her & she said her son was looking for a date. Maryn received a call a day or two later. He had been very nervous about asking out such a cute girl and had to practice the phone call a few times with his mom. Both moms are expecting thank yous for the rest of their lives for facilitating this wonderful joint venture.

Maryn comes home at night & talks my ear off for an hour or two. The thing that made my ears perk up was when she began saying the same things I remember saying when I had met my future husband. “He’s just so ‘nice’.” “I just feel soo comfortable around him.” “We were at the park with (the siblings) and a lady started talking to us about how many children we had.” I have enjoyed hearing all her little love stories & how she is overcoming her anxieties of thinking of marriage. Lynn & I talked about 9 months ago how we knew that our time with Maryn at home was nearing the end. I am thankful to Heavenly Father for preparing me for this change. I REALLY didn’t want her to move out with her friends a few months ago, but I am more ok with this new idea of moving out. I know that it will be hard to not have her be MY little girl anymore, but I know she will be a fantastic wife & mother in her own family. (yes, I’m teary as I type this) She is becoming more & more of a great communicator, budgeter, shopper, teacher of children, thinker, etc. I have hoped since she was a little girl that she would find a sweet guy to sweep her off her feet, who would tolerate her blonde moments & not push her around in their relationship. Maryn has always been a people-pleaser & we have tried to teach her to speak up for what she wants & ‘have a preference’! We are so proud of the things that she has learned. I am so grateful for the time we have had together to help her develop into the woman she is. We have spent so many extra hours together over the years that I would NEVER trade. I am so glad I was chosen as her mom! I love her, forever!

Adding onto our home...

We knew in the middle of 2006 that a little boy was coming home to us. We went back & forth trying to figure out where he was coming from (biological or adopted) & decided in December of 2006 that he was a 'pre-born' son.
We saw a waiting boy named Kevin who reminded me sooo much of our current sons. We called the state & they were not able to tell us much about him since our license was not current. We started our state adoption classes (for the 4th time, since we have let our license lapse repeatedly) in January of 2007. We filled out the paperwork specifying that our son was between 5 & 8. We finished classes in April & scheduled our home inspection for our homestudy. It was delayed a few times for various reasons, one of which was the horrid mess of the boxes in the basement. One day we received a call from our licensor that she needed to complete the homestudy & would be out that afternoon. We were at co-op, so a friend (Kelly) came home with us to help us throw things into place. The licensor came over & we passed the inspection. I thought it was so proactive of her to just let us know she was coming over that day. In retrospect, we may have taken a long time to get ready on our own. It was good to have it over. :) We called the licensor a few days later & asked her to change our son's age to 8-10 yrs old. We felt that he would be closer to 10. We waited a few more weeks and received our license in the mail.
We called Kevin's caseworker to set up a screening to find out more about him. He would not be able to come home for a while but they wanted to begin looking for potential families. We met with his caseworker, therapist and a few others who knew Kevin well. One of the ladies reviewing our case asked why we had not kept the little girl, Freedom, placed with us a few years before. I pointed out that we had adopted her and changed her name. She seemed impressed that we were able to stick it out and keep such a difficult placement. I wasn't sure if they were referring to her feisty temperament or the situation surrounding her placement.
We considered the things they had told us about Kevin & knew that we were prepared & capable of handling him, but we weren't sure of how it would affect our other children. We didn't want to adversely affect six children to help one other. We told them we didn't feel that he was ours and we would continue to look for our son.
We waited during May for a call that we had been matched, but I would still look every few days at the available older children on the state website. One day, I picked up Maryn from work and we were going to a family activity. (I think we were going to see a play (Helen Keller) at Hale Theater.) On our way, I told Maryn that I needed to stop and look at some profiles at the Adoption Connection. It didn't have to be done that day, but I felt this compulsion to run in really quickly & see the book.
They were closing at 5:00 and I was having trouble finding the office. I called and the lady said she would wait a few extra minutes until I got there. Maryn & I went in and asked to see the boys who were available, ages 8 & older. As I turned the pages, I saw a few great kids who were waiting for a family, but none really looked like 'ours'. I kept turning through the pages and after about 10 pages, I turned one page and was struck by a warm comforting feeling. I looked down at a picture I had not seen before on the website. He was a cute boy, but nothing about his appearance struck me as familiar. I turned to the next page & the warm feeling left. I smirked & turned back to the previous page to feel the warm return. He was our son.
I am such a 'doubting thomas' and second guess or explain-away feelings at times. Just in case I had imagined these feelings, I picked two other boys who I would inquire about. I asked the lady to forward our name to the caseworkers of these boys. I paused & said to never mind about the other two. Just Donald. Nine months later, as I try to piece the details of this together, I realize that this visit to the Adoption Exchange was June 18th, his tenth birthday.
Our file was 'forwarded to the caseworker' but never arrived. Two weeks later, I called again asking if we could please contact the caseworker. We were told she would call us; we just needed to be patient. (slapping forehead) "Patient" while our son was out there!! Waiting for us!?!? Duh. Anyway, we learned a little more patience while we waited a few more days for the Adoption Exchange to resubmit the request. I finally received a call from the caseworker just before I left for Seattle in July. I was given some info & told that I could talk to his foster parents to find out more about him. I was so excited, but also felt like it was so silly to go thru all the bureocratic silliness. He was ours and I already 'knew' him, almost like I knew our other kids. I spoke to his foster dad while I was in Seattle. I asked questions, knowing full well what the answers would be. I had pictured little things such as me tickling a little boy's back. When D's foster dad told me that tickling his back put him to sleep, I just said, "uh huh" since I already knew that. :)
He was being raised LDS & had been for the past year or two. He was excited to be baptized!
His three requirements for a potential family that he gave his caseworker were: "didn't want to go to daycare", "didn't want to be an only child or the oldest child; cuz that's too much responsibility" and "wanted to be sealed to his family".

Bryn's Counting Lessons

We have been working on counting by 10's with Bryn. She struggles with some things, likely due to prenatal exposure to 'guck'. Anyway, it took her a while to get going... "10, 20, 30, 40...70, 80, 90..." Her eyes would get big & she would get so excited to say the last number, "Twenty-one!" "Uh, noooope." "Thirty-one??" "Nooooope..." I"m laughing, so I whisper, "100" and we all smile & get ready for her to try it again. We do this about 10 times & she is still not getting it, yet every time she gets so excited for the last number. We are trying to suppress giggles at how cute she is!

So we go upstairs to show Dad. I brag her up & tell him how well she is doing. The exact same thing happens. We try it a few more times & I tell her that I'm going to give her a quarter since THIS time she is gonna do it!!!

By this time, all of the kids have gathered.

She is concentrating so hard on the end number that she has forgotten how to begin, so we start her out, "10..." and Bryn says under her breath, "one-hundred". "Twenty, " we say with her, then under her breath she says, "one-hundred". We are struggling not to burst out laughing. She continues this all the way to the end. And gets her quarter. :)

She is so feisty. It was funny to see her be so determined to figure out a way around a difficult task.

Our Last Chihuahua, gone...

I flew to Seattle on July 11th, 2007 to stay with my parents & then help my mom drive down to Utah with nephews, Rocky & Riley. While preparing to leave, I kept having feelings of anxiety & even as I was packing to leave for the airport, I became very teary & told Lynn I didn't want to go. I felt I was supposed to be at home for my family & was having feelings that something was going to happen in my absence. Lynn gave me a blessing of comfort and said that any situation that would arise in my absence would be taken care of. I felt comforted, but still had feelings of wanting to stay home.
We stayed busy in Seattle painting mobiles & driving around completing my mom's to do lists. Malisa and Ashlyn returned home from from girls camp on Saturday around noon. They called to say that our chihuahua, Jazmyn was very quiet and not her usual self. When they usually returned, she would jump from her chair & jump on their legs until they picked her up. She could even 'crawl up' their legs if they put their hand on the back of her neck. She just lay in her chair and wagged her tail. She had had something that resembled a seizure a few times over the past 9 months. She would fall down & whimper & a few times wet on the floor. When we found her, we patted her for about 10 minutes and she would be back to normal. Apparently, she had had another seizure & was not feeling well. She had a scared look in her eyes & kept looking to the kids for comfort. A few hours later, she was still not well so I asked for Maryn to put the phone by her. I talked to her for a minute or two & told her she was a good dog & I loved her & it was ok. The kids said she wagged her tail upon hearing my voice. As the kids went to bed that night, I spoke to Lynn & he said that she was not looking well. I gave him a few instructions on what to do to comfort her & said good night. I hung up and prayed that she would be comforted and know that we loved her. As I cried, I received the feeling that she would be gone in the morning and it was ok. I fell asleep knowing that she would go before morning. I received a call about 7:30 am from Lynn. He said he had brought her chair upstairs by our bed. When he looked at her chair, she had gotten down and went into the bathroom, likely to pee on the floor or get a drink out of the shower. She had fallen down in the doorway of the bathroom and passed away. He found her around 6:30 am (Sunday, July 15th, 2007) and she was gone, but still warm. He woke some of the kids and had them come in to say good-bye.
I wish I had been there to cuddle her & say a proper good-bye, but it was also what I feel was one of "God's tender mercies" that I wasn't there to see her suffer. I think I would have tried to prolong her life when she was obviously meant to go that night. Lynn was going to bury her in the backyard, but I called the vet which we had taken our other 'babies' to & they had an attendant there on Sunday. Lynn and Ashlyn wrapped her in the purple blanket that she loved and took her to the vet. The attendant was very tender with Jaz and treated her as if she was still alive. We had her paw print put into a ceramic ornament with her name on it.
It was hard to come home and see her empty chair and I know we'll miss her for a long time.

Age: 10
Gender: Male
Grade in School: 4th (typo)
Special Interests: Outdoors
Heritage: Caucasian
Listed: 6/08/2007
ID: #1298
Status: Available
Siblings: 0 (not actually true, but the goal was not to place any of the siblings together)

Donald S.

Introducing Donald!

This active nine year old boy loves the outdoors and enjoys all outdoor activities. He loves just to be outside! Donald cares about other people and wants others to like him. He is a good reader, has an active imagination, and enjoys playing video games.

Donald will be in fourth grade this fall. He is above average in reading and is on grade level in all other subjects.

Donald has some personal challenges that he is working through in weekly individual therapy sessions. Donald has done well in all of his placements.

If your family is interested in this active boy and can provide Donald with the support, love, and stability he needs, we urge you to inquire. Financial assistance may be available for adoption-related services.