Joys of a new child!

Here is an old email that is much funnier now. It was sent to a caseworker in regard to our last adoption placement, after he had been home about two weeks.

Hi Lisa!

Just wanted to update/document some happenings since we spoke on the phone the other day. :-)

A few hours after I finished updating you on D's successes, the 'honeymoon' ended. That afternoon, he choked 6yo B (clenched his hands around her throat for about 5-10 seconds & then let go), & was throwing ice cubes at her, leaving red marks. He has also pushed two children off of the trampoline while jumping, & held his hands over B's mouth & nose so she couldn't breathe. He has also thrown other things at her, leaving marks. Today she accused him of farting (yes, of all things :-)) and he responded by grabbing her and shoving her into a bookcase and calling her a few choice 'big, bad, ugly' words.

We have responded by not allowing him to be around the other children for periods of time and letting him know we need to have everyone be safe, including him. We have offered other ways of responding (coming to get an adult) when he's feeling upset/picked on. He has lost privileges, such as game cube or playing outside. There was one time when I got mad & raised my voice at him. I told him that even if he was making bad choices, he wasn't leaving. He was staying here & dealing with the negative consequences & it could be a long miserable time living here or it could be a great time living here. He needed to make a choice of how he wanted to get along with
his brothers & sisters, but we were his family & he's stuck with us. :-)

He also keeps getting into the other boys' bed and crying that he doesn't want to sleep alone. We tell him that he has his own bed & needs to sleep there at night, but we will often find him back in the other bed later. The boys feel badly for him being sad & often let him sleep at the other end of their bed. Tonight they were playing & D got kicked in the face. He responded by biting C (9yo) on the hand & leaving purple teeth marks. C yelled & tried to push him off & D threw a few punches at C's head to make him be quiet.

My first thought is to blame it on the lack of the Ritalin, but it started before his prescription ran out. I am feeling that it is more due to finally settling in & realizing that he is stuck with us (sigh :-)) and he may feel his bio ties being severed, or other issues he has not fully processed yet. For what it's worth, he has never hurt the kids in front of an adult, only when adults are not watching. We have tried to keep him within visual range, but especially while he is playing, this is a challenge.

Tonight, I also mentioned to him that Lisa would need to know about these issues & I'm sure that there would be concern about him being in our home where he could put other children in danger, but we were committed to having him here & we would just keep working until we got the behaviors resolved, but we hoped that he would work on making changes.

He has packed his bags two times when he was mad & then I have helped put things away when he was ready. He also said, a few times, that it sucked living here & he wished he hadn't picked us, so. :-) I just wanted to let you know before you came up on Saturday & he said he was ready to leave. Or maybe he'll be fine by then! :-)

See you on Saturday!

Maynes family

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My Mare Bear

Mid-April 2008 – Maryn came home the other night & was just in heaven going on & on about a cute boy. This is the same boy I had suggested she ‘check out’. We moved to the area in December & began attending homeschool activities in our new area. I was introduced to a mom, Cindee Roberts. She was surprised to meet me since I had more children than she did. I’m sure she was impressed I was so young to have twelve kids. OK, maybe the mutual friend had remembered incorrectly, but I was only at seven kids while Cindee had 11 kids. We talked for a while & she told me about the many groups she was hosting; astronomy, Liberty Girls, creative writing, math games, Knights of Freedom, etc. I quickly signed up the kids for a few classes. She lived very close to our house & is in the same stake. When I dropped off & picked up kids, I noticed a cute boy. I started a conversation with ‘said cute boy’ and mentioned I had a daughter about his age & suggested that they might attend some of the same singles activities together.

Nothing happened until mid-March when I received a phone call from Cindee, asking what my daughter’s name was. I told her & she said her son was looking for a date. Maryn received a call a day or two later. He had been very nervous about asking out such a cute girl and had to practice the phone call a few times with his mom. Both moms are expecting thank yous for the rest of their lives for facilitating this wonderful joint venture.

Maryn comes home at night & talks my ear off for an hour or two. The thing that made my ears perk up was when she began saying the same things I remember saying when I had met my future husband. “He’s just so ‘nice’.” “I just feel soo comfortable around him.” “We were at the park with (the siblings) and a lady started talking to us about how many children we had.” I have enjoyed hearing all her little love stories & how she is overcoming her anxieties of thinking of marriage. Lynn & I talked about 9 months ago how we knew that our time with Maryn at home was nearing the end. I am thankful to Heavenly Father for preparing me for this change. I REALLY didn’t want her to move out with her friends a few months ago, but I am more ok with this new idea of moving out. I know that it will be hard to not have her be MY little girl anymore, but I know she will be a fantastic wife & mother in her own family. (yes, I’m teary as I type this) She is becoming more & more of a great communicator, budgeter, shopper, teacher of children, thinker, etc. I have hoped since she was a little girl that she would find a sweet guy to sweep her off her feet, who would tolerate her blonde moments & not push her around in their relationship. Maryn has always been a people-pleaser & we have tried to teach her to speak up for what she wants & ‘have a preference’! We are so proud of the things that she has learned. I am so grateful for the time we have had together to help her develop into the woman she is. We have spent so many extra hours together over the years that I would NEVER trade. I am so glad I was chosen as her mom! I love her, forever!